Mastering Your Ability to Fix Problems and Resolve Disputes

I spent the first 20 years of my career largely focused on dispute resolution. As a representative for insurance companies in third-party (liability) claims and litigation as well as in the practice of law. Time and time again, I was in the middle of a problem and needed to be an effective problem solver.

Early in my career, I worked for a company that used a slogan to teach and reinforce their approach to dispute resolution. They encouraged employees to “Master the Basics” and I believe those same “basics” apply to approaches to problem solving in whatever endeavor we find ourselves. Effective problem solvers are effective in their calling, no matter what that calling may be.

In considering the systematic approach to working through disputes and problems, consider the “basics” of:

  • Coverage – the policy has to cover the loss to move towards a resolution, otherwise the claim is denied. In more general terms, coverage is either authority or permission. You need to either have the authority to speak into a situation or permission to do so. Forcing your solutions into a place where you don’t have authority or permission creates relational problems and frustrations.
  • Investigation – ask questions to determine all aspects of the details surrounding the situation. Ask the questions without a bias to try to get to an pre-determined preference. Ask the questions and pay attention to the answers without accusation, coaching or presumption along the way. The questions are to solve problems; not to build a case or support your positions.
  • Evaluation – what are the options? Is there a 3rd way that is in between the cracks somewhere other than the two opposing forces that are most prevalent in a  dispute or problem? Have the facts fueled creativity in the creation of potential solutions?
  • Negotiation – working with people to steward relationship as you move towards a resolution. Hearing reactions along the way and paying attention to the emotion and perceptions along the way. Working towards agreement, not towards winning. Be willing to concede things as opposed yet valid points are intertwined in the disagreement.
  • Resolution – finding the closest thing to a “win-win” that you can. Attempting to move everyone forward with buy-in and preservation of relationship even where there is compromise. The best resolutions are typically where each party gives up more than they had hoped but has done so from a position that recognizes the value in that choice.

In most jobs, our title could be “problem-solver,” or at least it could/should be part of our job description. As such, it likely makes sense to be intentional about how we go about doing so and be as good at it as we can. “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.” – Matthew 5:9 (NLT)

You Can Know the Answers to the Mysteries

We are not invited to be good. We are not invited just to read, meet, sing and give. There is more. We are invited into more.

The depth of what is available to us by faith in Jesus is the difference between maintaining religion and living in the Kingdom of God. When Jesus died for the sins of man, He did so on  the heels of preaching of the Kingdom of God. The promise He brought was for eternity and eternity starts immediately. There is no waiting period between the time when you meet Jesus and the realization of His Kingdom.

Jesus was asked in Matthew 13 why He taught in parables. Why not just be crystal clear and make it easy for people? Why the riddles? Jesus responded in verse 11, “Because it has been given to you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given.”

When you are born again as a believer in Jesus Christ as your Savior, you are invited into the mystery. Beyond the obvious and into the depth of knowing that exceeds knowledge. He will show you the “why” behind the “what.” He will give you new eyes to see things eternally, even now.

Unfortunately, most believers don’t look. The appetite to see more and to know the mysteries of the Kingdom are relegated to the super spiritual or the professional clergy. Jesus clarifies in the next verse that it is for “whoever” and He was speaking to tax collectors and fisherman. Not special people based on societies standards and not unique based on religious qualifications.

We are going to face trouble in the world, that is certain. What is left for us to decide is whether or not we want to face those troubles as confused and defeated orphans or empowered and enlightened royalty by adoption?

As you walk in your purpose today and as you encounter people and circumstances that require consideration, ask for eyes to see the mystery of the Kingdom of God in those situations. Ask for eyes to see so that you can agree with eternity in the middle of the temporal challenge. Go deeper; choose to live in the truth of Jesus’ promise. Be a mystery solver.

Our Dads Are a Bridge or a Barrier

In the weeks leading up to my father’s death, I was reminded of a previous surgery he had been through. Eighteen months prior to this most recent surgery, he had been through a similar procedure. Someone had encouraged me to “leave nothing unsaid” as we entered into that previous procedure.

As I had stood by his bed prior to surgery the first time, I considered what it was I should say and I couldn’t come up with anything. My father and I had discussions in the flow of life leading up to that point from which I knew that he knew how I felt about him. More importantly, perhaps, I knew how he felt about me.

My father had told me that he loved me and that he was proud of me with his words and actions. I had heard it from him and I had heard it through others that he had told. I also saw it in is support, presence and contribution to things I did. He proved it by being there.

  • He was my Boy Scout leader
  • He commissioned me as an Army officer
  • He wanted to see my office at various jobs I had
  • He came to court just to watch one day
  • He came to “Bold” men’s meetings I was leading
  • He came on a Quest I was facilitating
  • He was at my book signing when I rolled out my first book
  • He wanted me to come and speak to the men at his church and set up a men’s event

Really, the list goes on and on; those are just what jump out initially. I don’t have any doubts about who my father said I am. He said it and he showed it. His investment positioned me to receive the Truth.

God’s relationship with us is as Father. He wants to be “Abba” to us; not a distant or angry Judge. The realization of His identity as well as ours comes from Him but it is easier to realize when/if our dads agree.

From the affirmation that my father gave me, it was easier to know of the love that the Father has for me. From my dad being there, it’s easier to know that my Dad is always there.

Your father is either a bridge or a barrier to the Father, but the target for all of us is the same no matter if we had a good dad, bad dad or absent dad. The target is to hear from Spirit to spirit that “you’re a son.” Once you hear that, the good, bad or ugly of your earthly father has its proper context and you have your eternal perspective.

Community of Comfort

I was gathered with family recently and in the normal course of an abnormal time, one of the family members became sad and began to cry. The rest of us shifted our attention to the grief of the one and, before long, several were weeping. Nobody escalated the scene, but they assimilated with it. The gathering became a gathering of grief, at least for a while.

The family member that initiated the crying kind of apologized, but one of the others said they were thankful. They were thankful that they didn’t have to grieve alone. The grief was over the death of my father and everyone is feeling it, but differently. This particular time, everyone ended up feeling it simultaneously. It was there all along, but one person expressing it gave permission to the rest.

The health of the group grief was obvious. Nobody tried to fix what couldn’t be fixed. Nobody diverted with humor or “encouragement” that shortcuts the healthy processing of emotions. There was simply comfort in the community that agreed that the emotion of sadness and expression of grief was valid.

Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

God is a God of comfort. In 2 Corinthians 1:3, it says that God is “God of all comfort.” Some form of the word “comfort” is used nine times in that passage. God is interested in comfort for those who are mourning, not fixing them.

All too often, we are uncomfortable in the expression of healthy emotion and we try to hijack it. Humor, re-direction, and other techniques might be employed to divert. For those that are religiously minded, we may want to preach, teach, testify or prophesy to avoid the uncomfortable.

Preaching and teaching engage with logic and logic doesn’t speak to emotion. Emotion speaks to emotion.

Testifying (“When that happened to me . . .”) makes it about us. It’s not about us in that moment; don’t rob the moment.

Prophesy of what God is going to do or how things are going to get better jumps ahead in the process of grief. It puts things out-of-order.

Just comfort by meeting the other in their emotion. Mourn with those who mourn. They are going to be comforted by the Comforter, so it’s best to just agree with Him and not try to fix them.

Are You Fasting or Feasting on Your Gifts and Service?

I was leaving for a Quest last week and my wife, Julie, told me “it’s OK for us not to talk until you get home; you don’t need to call me.” She went on to say, “you don’t need to call me . . . as long as you are pursuing God. If you aren’t pursuing God, then call me.”

I do Quest events frequently and Julie encourages me to receive as well as give. She encourages me that if it’s just a job and there is no refreshing for refilling, then I’ll have to find another way to fill my tank. Her wisdom and support are incredible.

As I took her advice and began to pray and seek the Lord at the beginning of the week, I was quickened to consider a fast. As I asked God if I was being invited to fast, I was reminded of Isaiah 58, which asks, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?”

I took that as a call to minister; that is, to simply offer up to God my service through ministry. From that, He was going to set men free. So that’s what I did, and would have likely done anyway. I continued to seek Him along the way and spent time without distraction when afforded the opportunity through the week.

We went through the week and God set men free. He saved them, He freed them, He redeemed them and He unleashed them. He moved in power, compassion, revelation and Truth. I agreed with Him and He was, as always, faithful.

At the end of the week, He and I had some time while the guys were eating breakfast. We had time where I was reminded of His love for me in a way that was refreshing and life-giving. My tank was filled.

We all have gifts and we are all invited into His purposes. He’ll get His stuff done and we’re invited to participate. Along the way, He will fill us, heal us and restore us, too. The way in, however, is to fast your gifts, not to feast on them.

We can’t serve to be seen or to be satisfied in the accomplishment. We fast our gifts by giving them over; not needing anything in return. It’s a fine line and it’s all heart. It can look the same two different times and one time it’s for Him and the other it’s to scratch an itch you have. Only you and Him can tell, more than likely. Here is the promise He gives for our offering of the agreement with Him and sacrificing the “us” in “our” ministry:

“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.”

Honor Makes a Way for Solutions to Disagreements

Last night, the Dallas Cowboys stood together. More accurately, they knelt together. They knelt together in a sign of protest against racism in the United States, and they did it before the National Anthem. As a reminder, that is what all the kneeling was about in the first place, although it has been largely forgotten in the politics and opinions.

In case you didn’t see it or hear about it they came out as a team, joined arms and knelt. Then they stood up. They knelt before the National Anthem ever began and they stood up during the national anthem.

All along, the objection to the protest has been that protestors should stand and respect the flag. Last night, they did. Yet, in an overnight poll in the Dallas Morning News, the initial opinions offered were that 54% of respondents felt “Cowboys should not have knelt at all.” This was a Dallas newspaper, mind you, so this is a biased sampling presumably in favor of what the Cowboys do. I don’t know what the sampling size was, but that result is disheartening.

This poll showed that for some, it was never about the flag in the first place. It was about being right. For some, they aren’t patriotic as much as they are just prejudiced. When you don’t want somebody that is different from you to say anything about their perception or experience based in those differences, you are protecting the status quo, not the traditions surrounding the flag.

We tend to like what we like and want what we want and will often find justifications to protect our preferences. Our preferences are rooted in our perspective and our perspective is limited to our experiences. Those experiences, in this nation, are vastly different. Experiences surrounding race and racism cannot be the same where the there are differences in race. It’s just not possible.

The opportunity going forward is honor. I’ve been a Dallas Cowboys fan for the past four decades, but my admiration of their collective voice last night isn’t about winning or losing. It’s about honor. They were able to show honor towards the flag while also projecting the voice of the perspective that was calling out. They were able to agree about disagreements that they had not all experienced. That’s what the flag stands for, in part; the freedom to be heard in an honorable way.

When 54% say there should be no disagreement at all, there is going to be disagreement. If and when the majority can agree that the experience of the minority is different from their own, then there can be solutions. Honor makes a way for solutions to disagreements.