I wrote the other day how pornography is driven by a need for intimate connection, not sexual desire. Men (and women, in some cases) that get stuck in the short-term trap of the physical escape from an emotional and spiritual need spiral into greater frustration. The need for intimacy is legitimate and God breathed. It’s part of our design. It’s part of God’s plan. We are wired to connect.
That design for connection, however, is primarily and fundamentally satisfied with the One that put it in us. The essence of that design is for communion with the Father. It’s the restoration of sons and daughters to the love of the Father. When we know His love, we know our purpose and walk in the satisfaction of intimate fulfillment.
A mistake that married couples make when addressing the intrusion of pornography in their marriage is thinking that it’s about sex. The wife feels inadequate. Even if they take the next step and realize it’s not about sex, but instead it’s about intimacy, the burden of source can be misplaced. The wife is not intended as the husband’s source any more than the husband is intended as the wife’s source.
There is only one Source, and it’s the One that designed our for need connection to the Source. Only the love of the Father fulfills the need for love. Spiritual connection leads to spiritual fulfillment which leads to emotional satisfaction. We are filled by Him to give out to others.
In a marriage, intimacy fulfilled by the Father fills each one up to give to the other. The husband can’t expect the wife to satisfy what was designed to be satisfied by the One who created the need. In the same way, neither can the wife expect that of the husband. That’s co-dependency and even idolatry. If we promote someone to a place that God is intended to sit in our lives, they become gods in those areas of our lives. Not good.
The Source of satisfaction for the legitimate need for intimacy fills us to walk in our purpose as sons and daughters of Him. We have plenty to give from the abundance of eternity, not the temporal limitation of human effort. Wives can’t fix husbands that are disconnected, nor vice versa. Agreement together, the two as one, can bring the power of oneness to the pursuit of the One.
Sin is a twist or substitute to a legitimate need. Intimacy is a legitimate need. To avoid the traps of the cheap substitute, plug into the One that fulfills the need. If there is a life pattern of shortcuts that have become habitual and even addictive, agreement in transparency about the actual need, solution and openness about the struggle are the best way to get beyond the problem.