I found myself in a tough spot stranded in an unfamiliar place recently. I was convinced that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing (and still am), yet the provision necessary for completion of the task at hand had run out. There I was, at five in the morning without money to pay for gas or coffee. I needed gas, for sure, and wanted coffee just as certainly. Yet, for a moment, I had nothing but embarrassment and lack.
It was embarrassing and I guess at some level scary. It’s a bad feeling to be without. It’s a bad feeling to be at the mercy of others to help you out of the hole that you are in. It’s a bad feeling to be out of control.
My frustration, at its core, was with God. He had called me into this, yet His provision didn’t appear to be good enough. He let me down, I thought. Although the situation was solved and resolved in a matter of minutes, the interim of time wherein I was left without impacted me and caused me to decide some things.
I decided that He was out and I am in. He wasn’t providing like He said He would, or at least not to the level of my expectations, so I will take over from here, thank You very much. The days that followed in which I began to strive to solve all of my problems on my own were full of pain and anger. My heart was being squeezed and what was coming out just wasn’t very pretty.
Thankfully, I was able to respond to the dark places of my heart which had been given control over my efforts and turn to the Light. He was always good, had never failed me and had never moved off of His love for me or sovereign provision of my needs.
The fact is that the challenge I faced in a seemingly desperate place took me to a greater depth of knowing His goodness. He was in the middle of it all, calling me further into maturity through burning off the ugliness which had been hidden on the other side of a tank of gas and cup of coffee. My doubtful reaction never changed Him, but it exposed that which needed to change within me.