I messed up a couple of weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong, I mess up every day in some form or fashion but my crap was on public display more than usual recently. Some people would not have considered it a big deal, but I know it for what it is and don’t minimize it one bit. The particulars of the depravity don’t need to be glorified, but trust me that it was not becoming.
My wife was amazing. She felt bad for me. She felt bad for my hurt which was evident by my decision-making. She was faithful and prayerful as I walked out of the mistake. She knows that our behavior does not define our character so the evaluation of the issue didn’t need to stop at my conduct.
As I reflected on things, I kind of tried to feel guilty. I tried to conjure up feelings of condemnation and shame but am thankful that I wasn’t really able to hang out there. Don’t get me wrong, I heard the whispers of “phony” but recognized them for the lies that they are. I knew that the appropriate reaction was remorse and change, not condemnation and shame.
The feelings I had in the wake of my humanity were humility and thanksgiving. I was humbled by the Grace that not only met me there but had gone ahead of me. Grace afforded me countless opportunities leading up to this moment to grow familiar with my True identity. That knowledge of who I am left me well positioned to resist the temptation of condemnation.
The error of my ways was not a singular event. There had been little things in my heart building up that led me to decisions outside of my identity. Circumstances opened the door for me to harden my heart in some areas and to be completely self-reliant in others. The result was a heart exercising in pride and selfishness. From that heart condition, bad decisions flowed little by little to culminate in an evident crash.
Above all else, guard your heart. From the heart thoughts, words and eventually actions will flow. From the wellspring within us there will bubble up either Life or death. Only when we tend to our hearts with the attention of a gardener intent on defeating the weeds and parasites can there be good fruit.